Desperation
by da-angel729
Summary: She walks through the corridors, head high. The people who'd been in the hangar deck avoid her gaze, and she knows what they're thinking. Some spoilers for the extended edition of "Unfinished Business".


**Author's Note:** Written for the "Remix Challenge" at **bsghiatusthon**. The original fic, by **daybreak777**, can be found here: Last One on the Dance Floor. Some spoilers for the extended edition of "Unfinished Business". As always, feedback and con crit appreciated!

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**Desperation**

She walks through the corridors, head high. The people who'd been in the hangar deck avoid her gaze, and she knows what they're thinking.

She thinks the same thing.

She knows Lee is always ready to make love after a fight, but from the way Lee and Starbuck are holding on to each other in the ring, bodies pressed against each other, he's not going to make love to his wife tonight. No, he's going to frak Starbuck.

The anger builds, though it's mostly at herself. She knows it's partially her fault; she'd accepted his marriage proposal knowing he was in love with Starbuck. She knows he loves her, too, but it's not the same.

Suddenly, she has to do something. She's humiliated, hurt. Angry. She wants to hit something.

She takes a left at the next corridor, toward the pilot's bunk room. Sam's voice, "It looks like they're trying to kill each other", followed by her own answer, "that's one perspective", echoes in her mind. Hit or frak? Two sides of the same coin. His voice runs through her head, over and over, in a never-ending stream of thought.

Pushing open the hatch, she sees Sam. He's lying on a bunk, _Starbuck's_, she recognizes, and it's no surprise. A sheet drapes over him to his waist, revealing his muscular chest and the wing tattoo on his arm.

There's no one else in the bunkroom. They're still at the dance, she thinks, and locks the hatch behind her. She runs a hand over her hair and steps forward.

"Sam."

She sees his head turn, and his eyes widen slightly.

"Dee."

"What are we going to do?"

She hears the desperation in her voice and hates it. She hasn't been desperate for anything in a long time.

"About what?" He asks her, but the hitch in his voice tells her he knows.

"About the fact that our spouses are off frakking right now."

She moves closer to the bunk, and he shifts. His hand, on top of the sheet, grips it tighter, and she smiles, unbuttoning her uniform jacket. She slides it down her arms and drops it on the floor.

His eyes follow the movement, and flick back to hers. She smiles as she climbs into the bunk.

"Don't say anything," she says, and leaning down, covers his mouth with hers.

She feels a rush of power flow through her when he responds, as he runs his hands up and down her sides. The feeling is new to her, and she thinks she likes it.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Sam asks, as his fingers hesitate on the buttons of her uniform pants.

"Yes," she answers firmly, ignoring the thought in the back of her mind that Lee hasn't betrayed his wedding vows—yet, she reminds herself, because it's sure to happen—and she's about to. Lee and Starbuck will be doing this later, she thinks, and why should she be the only one who suffers? "Just shut up."

Soon, kisses are sighs, sighs murmurs. And the small gasps and groans from Sam's mouth are some of the sweetest sounds she's heard in a while. Lee may not want her, she thinks, but somebody does.

Later, she climbs out of the bunk, puts her uniform jacket on. He says something, and she answers, words she doesn't even remember as she walks through the ship's corridors, toward the quarters she shares with Lee.

She knows what she's doing, she thinks, and remembers that day, a lifetime ago, when they'd been sitting in a Raptor leaving New Caprica. It was the last time he'd gone down to the surface, she realises suddenly, and after that, she'd watched him slowly gain weight and lose himself. It makes sense, now, in a way it didn't before; she knows there's always been something between Lee and Starbuck.

When she'd been sitting with Lee in the Raptor, after he'd proposed, it had seemed so simple. She loved him, and he loved her. So she'd decided to keep him for as long as she could, and she remembers rationalising her decision: until the Cylons came back—or Kara Thrace walked back into his life. How could she have known both of those things would happen? Looking back, she wonders how she could have settled; she claimed she was living in the moment, grasping life. But now, as she enters their living quarters while Sam's scent reminds her of what she'd just done, the truth hits her.

She's never had him. She has Lee, but she doesn't have Apollo. Apollo was Starbuck's. She wonders how much of Apollo was in Lee, and how much he doesn't share with her. Sometimes, she's not sure which side of Lee she'd fallen in love with. She's not even sure he realises he has two separate parts of himself—and that each one belongs to different people. Now, she questions how she could've thought it would be enough to have only a part of him. But she knows she needs to keep him for as long as she can. She doesn't give up. And she can't be a failure—it would only prove her father right. She pushes the painful thought aside and sits on the bed.

She doesn't shower. And when he slides into bed next to her, later, he smells clean. He's taken a shower somewhere. After he's frakked Starbuck? She'd been so sure earlier it would happen, though she would never ask him. And she catches a glimpse of his face in the light from the head—he looks happier than he has in months. She rolls back over and shuts her eyes, anger rebuilding. She hopes he smells Sam on her. He'll wonder who it was.

But she doesn't know if he'll care.


End file.
